Broken trust.


I place great value on trust but, right now, don’t trust me, because I don’t trust myself. 

In this strange, unnavigable space of living when I should be dead – existing as a ghost – the value and ethics of trust have deserted me. They no longer seem to apply. I THINK I would act in a certain way in a certain situation, and I even believe I could give assurances of risk-avoiding behaviour and follow through on them. But I don’t know for sure. 

I don’t know who I am anymore, which makes me unpredictable. I am operating without any of the old rules, in a dimension that doesn’t have any boundaries, so I genuinely cannot guarantee any behaviour. 

I tentatively believe that enough of me remains to make sure anything I did wouldn’t leave an individual with a burden of guilt. But I’m not full-on sure.

I am absolutely certain that, if circumstances allowed, and I could slip through locked doors undetected, I would. And, I also know I’d run straight to the highest place I could find to gulp in the sky, trying to find solace and peace. This might be enough to make the endless minutes of ghost existence bearable for a little longer. I might turn back and return. I might not. 

So I understand why I am not worthy of trust. I understand why I’m not allowed out of the building. I get it. I really do. But how will anyone know whether my compass of trust has recentred unless it’s tested? Unless I’m allowed to experiment and try? 

Do I have to trust in the process? In the system? In individuals?

Who knows?

Answers on a postcard, please. 

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About wordgirlwaffle

Mistress of the happy cheery covering an emptiness inside. It would all be alright if unicorns were real. View all posts by wordgirlwaffle

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